I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
