My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
