I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And then my night got REAL pukey
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
