"it" just moved
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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