I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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