3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
