The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
