Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
