you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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