Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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