you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize