I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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