I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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