I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
