remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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