All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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