she woke up with a sticky ear
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
