Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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