sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
