Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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