It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
