two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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