Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
