As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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