he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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