for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
