This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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