If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
