I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
