I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
