so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
