gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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