Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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