I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
