it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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