My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
