and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
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