Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize