my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
