the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
