Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
