dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
