Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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