the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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