Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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