There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
