u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
