someone threw a dead crab at me
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize