the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
