Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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