Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
