This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
