Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
