Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
