I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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