I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Randomize
