he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
