I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
